Three weeks. Livestock, mail, one casserole dish. Investigators say the Wampus Cat is working from a list.

HARLAN’S CREEK, WV — Residents of the Hollow Fork subdivision have submitted a formal complaint to the Harlan’s Creek Sheriff’s Department following what they describe as three consecutive weeks of targeted property loss attributed to a Wampus Cat estimated, by multiple independent witnesses, to be approximately the size of a riding mower. The complaint, which runs to eleven pages and includes a hand-drawn map with a suggested travel route, was received on Tuesday. The Sheriff’s Department has confirmed receipt of the complaint. A spokesperson noted that the map was detailed and that the department would be reviewing it.

The losses to date include four hens, one rooster described by its owner as ‘irreplaceable,’ approximately three weeks of accumulated mail across seven households, a garden gnome, two lengths of decorative border fencing, and a ceramic casserole dish belonging to resident Patricia Weller, which she states was cooling on her back porch at the time of its disappearance. Ms. Weller confirmed that the dish contained a green bean casserole and that she does not consider the casserole to be the primary loss, though she did want it noted.

Community Notice

It’s not random. That’s what I keep telling people. It went down Birchwood, then across to Sycamore, then back up Clover. That is a route. That is a planned route.

— — TERRENCE OGLE, HOLLOW FORK RESIDENT, 14 CLOVER COURT

Methodology Is A Matter Of Ongoing Concern

Of the thirteen witnesses who have now reported direct or indirect sightings of the animal, twelve describe its movement through the subdivision as deliberate. The creature has been observed pausing at mailboxes before continuing. It has been seen to examine a compost bin for an estimated forty seconds before departing without disturbing it. Resident Carla Prentiss of 9 Birchwood Close reported that the Wampus Cat sat outside her kitchen window for approximately four minutes on the evening of the fourteenth, appeared to observe the interior of her home, and then left in the direction of the Ogle property. She noted that her chicken coop was located on the other side of the house and was not accessed that evening. She found this more unsettling than if it had been.

The Department of Cryptid Affairs issued a statement Wednesday afternoon confirming that a Wampus Cat of the described dimensions is ‘consistent with documented regional activity’ and that the behaviour, while ‘atypical in its organisational quality,’ does not currently meet the threshold for a formal Cryptid Incursion Declaration. DCA Spokesperson Arthur Pritchard, reached by phone, described the situation as ‘manageable’ and expressed confidence that the animal would ‘likely self-resolve its territorial interest within one to three seasons.’ When asked to clarify what self-resolve meant in this context, Mr. Pritchard said the DCA would be issuing supplementary guidance and ended the call.

The behaviour, while atypical in its organisational quality, does not currently meet the threshold for a formal Cryptid Incursion Declaration.

— — ARTHUR PRITCHARD, DCA SPOKESPERSON, STATEMENT ISSUED WEDNESDAY

Animal Control Notes Jurisdictional Complexity

Officer Beverly Marsh of Harlan’s Creek Animal Control confirmed that her department had received a parallel complaint and had conducted a site visit on Monday. Officer Marsh, who has previously handled a displaced river otter, a small bear who had located a bakery, and what she describes only as ‘the duck situation of 2019,’ stated that the Wampus Cat’s tracks were clear, its movement pattern was consistent with the witness accounts, and that her department was prepared to act pending the necessary DCA countersignature on the Form 7-C currently sitting in the Harlan’s Creek DCA field office. She noted that the form had been submitted correctly and completely, which she described as ‘a first’ and ‘not as helpful as you’d think.’ Residents of Hollow Fork have been advised to bring outdoor items inside after dark, to secure chicken coops with hardware cloth of no less than sixteen gauge, and to refrain from leaving cooling dishes on unenclosed porches. Whether the Wampus Cat would consider an enclosed porch a meaningful obstacle has not been assessed. Officer Marsh said she would add it to the list.

As of press time, no further property has been reported missing since Tuesday evening, which residents of Hollow Fork have described variously as encouraging, suspicious, and ‘exactly what it would do.’ The Sheriff’s Department has confirmed the route map from the formal complaint has been passed to the DCA field office. The DCA field office has confirmed receipt. Harlan’s Creek Animal Control is continuing to monitor. The Wampus Cat has not been located, has not been observed to depart the area, and has not commented. This is consistent with previous Wampus Cat behaviour. This is Hal Ridgeway. Authorities continue to urge caution. Reporting continues.

THREAT LEVEL
LOW
Attendees have feelings. Attendees have needs. Attendees would like you to know the goats were willing. — Probably Just a Tall Guy