A BP station on the Nullarbor becomes ground zero for cryptid personal hygiene — and honestly, the three-star Google review is the most upsetting part.

NULLARBOR PLAIN, SA — At approximately 2:40 AM last Thursday, a creature standing somewhere between seven and nine feet tall, covered in matted reddish-brown fur and described by multiple witnesses as smelling like ‘a wet dog that had rolled in something philosophical,’ wandered into the forecourt of a BP service station on the edge of the Nullarbor Plain, picked up the truck wash hose, and gave itself what staff are calling ‘a reasonably thorough rinse.’ Thirteen employees and passing motorists witnessed the incident. None of them intervened. Several didn’t even put down their meat pies.

The creature — identified by WTC’s in-house cryptozoologist Dr. Beverley Knott as almost certainly a Yowie, Australia’s great hairy answer to Bigfoot — spent an estimated eleven minutes at the hose, paying particular attention to its lower legs and what one witness diplomatically referred to as ‘the armpit situation.’ It operated the industrial hose with a confidence that suggested this was not its first servo. When finished, it shook itself dry in the direction of a Mitsubishi Pajero, replaced the hose on its hook, and walked back into the darkness of the Nullarbor at a measured, unhurried pace.

Community Notice

Look, it was half two in the morning, I’d been on since six the previous day, and the thing used the hose correctly and put it back. Honestly better behaviour than most truckies.

— Deb Harcastle, Night Shift Supervisor, BP Nullarbor

The Incident Report That Will Haunt WorkSafe Forever

A formal workplace incident report was filed the following morning, which I have obtained and can confirm is one of the greatest documents in Australian bureaucratic history. Under ‘Description of Hazard,’ someone — almost certainly Deb — has typed: ‘Large bipedal cryptid used truck wash hose without purchasing a wash token. Creature did not sign the visitor register. Creature’s occupational hygiene was, however, adequate.’ The report lists the threat level as ‘Low to Moderate’ and the recommended corrective action as ‘Put a sign up maybe.’ The report has since been escalated to Safe Work Australia, where it is reportedly sitting in an inbox next to a complaint about a haunted forklift.

The Google review appeared at 4:17 AM — roughly ninety minutes after the Yowie departed — and has since become something of a viral sensation in the cryptid-watching community. Posted from an account called ‘BigFella_Nullarbor’ with zero prior review history, it reads: ‘Good hose pressure. Soap dispenser was empty which was disappointing. Servo pies looked okay but I didn’t want to go inside. Location very convenient. Three stars.’ The review currently has 847 helpful votes and a reply from the BP corporate social media team that says ‘Hi there! We’re sorry to hear your visit wasn’t five stars! We’ll pass your feedback about the soap dispenser along to the team!’ They have not addressed the cryptid.

The soap dispenser has been empty for four months. I’ll give the big fella this — he’s not wrong.

— Travis Oake, Forecourt Attendant, BP Nullarbor

Dr. Knott, who drove eleven hours from Adelaide to examine the site and collect what she is describing as ‘a very promising fur sample’ from the hose fitting, told WTC that this incident fits a broader emerging pattern. ‘We’re seeing Yowie behaviour adapt to human infrastructure in ways we haven’t documented before,’ she said, crouched over the drain with a pair of tongs. ‘Tool use, resource identification, even rudimentary consumer feedback. This is significant. This is remarkable. This is also,’ she added, recoiling slightly, ‘an absolutely incredible smell.’ The fur sample has been sent to a lab in Brisbane. Results are expected in six to eight weeks, assuming the lab technician doesn’t quit.

As of press time, the soap dispenser at the BP Nullarbor remains empty. The Google review remains at three stars. And somewhere out on the flat, red expanse of the Nullarbor Plain, a very large, slightly cleaner creature is walking toward whatever it’s walking toward — smelling, by all accounts, marginally better than it did before. This is Daryl, reporting for WTC — What The Cryptid? News Network. Stay curious. Stay downwind.