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Credibility: ★★★★☆ 4/5
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Threat Level: HIGH (HIGH — and Derek is not answering follow-up questions)
Following an incident at a West Virginia corporate retreat that HR has officially categorized as ‘ongoing,’ WTC presents the definitive field guide to distinguishing a seven-foot wool-covered cryptid from your colleagues before someone files a claim.
Let me be clear about something before we begin: I did not write this article because I think Derek from Accounting is a Sheepsquatch. I wrote this article because a West Virginia retreat coordinator named Gail Messner emailed WTC at 11:47 PM on a Tuesday requesting that this information be formally documented and distributed to all future participants of her company’s annual leadership offsite, and her email had seventeen exclamation points in it, and not in the enthusiastic way. The Sheepsquatch — for those unfamiliar — is a large, white-furred, reportedly wool-textured cryptid documented primarily in the Appalachian regions of West Virginia, occasionally described as bearing a vaguely sheep-like face atop a muscular bipedal frame, and associated with sulfur smells, livestock unease, and a general atmosphere of something being deeply wrong. Three of Gail’s colleagues fled into the tree line and were recovered. One did not flee. He has since declined to clarify why.
This guide is not a joke. I want to be very specific about that. Sheepsquatch sightings have been reported in Boone, Kanawha, and Putnam counties for decades. The creature is not a mascot. It is not a team-building metaphor. It is, according to at least fourteen documented witness accounts in my REAL ACTUAL EVIDENCE folder — I can find four of them right now — a real phenomenon that deserves to be taken seriously and also distinguished, carefully and quickly, from a human male colleague who wandered off for a phone call and is now walking back through low fog near a tree line in an off-white fleece jacket. The distinction matters. For legal reasons. For liability reasons. Gail was very clear about the liability reasons.
The Official WTC Sheepsquatch-vs.-Colleague Differentiation Checklist (Gail Requested This Be Laminated)
Check the Sulfur Smell First
Sheepsquatch encounters are frequently accompanied by a strong sulfurous odor, described variously as rotten eggs, struck matches, or ‘something wrong underground.’ Derek from Accounting, statistically, smells like hotel soap and the specific brand of protein bar that has been in his laptop bag since February. If you are experiencing sulfur, escalate your assessment immediately. If you are experiencing the protein bar, this is a separate workplace concern but not a cryptid emergency.
Assess the Height Differential
Sheepsquatch witnesses consistently report a creature standing between six and seven feet tall, with an additional visual mass created by its fur or wool-like covering. Before you run, establish: is this entity taller than the doorframe, or roughly the same height as the regional sales director who played lacrosse at WVU? If the answer is ‘I cannot tell because it is dark and I am already moving,’ please note your approximate direction of travel for first responders.
Observe the Gait
Sheepsquatch is a biped, yes, but witness accounts describe a loping, heavy, asymmetrical movement pattern — not the careful, phone-checking shuffle of a man trying to get back to the bonfire without admitting he got turned around. If the entity is walking with its shoulders slightly forward and its head angled as though it recently received bad news from its regional manager, that is a human. If it is moving with the fluid, unself-conscious confidence of something that has never once worried about quarterly projections, treat as cryptid and increase distance.
Attempt Verbal Contact — Once
Say a name. A human name. Start with the colleagues you know are currently unaccounted for. If the entity responds to ‘Derek?’ with a wave, a thumbs-up, or an audible ‘yeah, hey, sorry,’ you have located your colleague. If it does not respond, or if it responds in a way that is difficult to describe later, do not attempt a second name. Begin your measured retreat. Do not run. Running triggers pursuit behavior in large predators and also makes it harder to describe your exact location to Gail.
Look for the Phone Glow
Derek has a phone. He has always had a phone. He checks it at dinner, during the ropes course debrief, and once during what was clearly an emotionally important team sharing exercise. If the entity approaching you through the dark does not have a faint rectangular blue glow emanating from chest or hip level, adjust your threat assessment upward. Sheepsquatch has not, to date, been documented with cellular service. This is one of the few points in its column, cryptid-behavior-wise.
Note Any Reaction to the Retreat Itinerary
Experienced cryptid researchers distinguish between entities that are genuinely outside the human behavioral range and entities that are simply having a normal human reaction to a three-day mandatory bonding retreat in an isolated forested area. If, upon closer inspection, the figure appears to be standing very still because it is quietly relieved to be away from the group discussion on ‘synergizing our vulnerability,’ that is Derek. If it appears to be standing very still in the way that suggests it does not share your concept of ‘still,’ that is something else, and Gail’s waiver does not cover it.
Check the Footwear
I cannot overstate how useful this is. Sheepsquatch tracks, where documented, suggest large, clawed, plantigrade feet with a stride width inconsistent with standard human movement. Derek, per the retreat welcome packet, was asked to bring ‘comfortable closed-toe shoes for outdoor activities’ and almost certainly arrived in trail runners or the kind of hiking boots he bought specifically for this trip and has worn once. If you can safely observe feet and see laces, you are fine. If you cannot see feet, or if what you can see does not resolve into anything you have a word for, prioritize distance over data collection.
Ask Yourself: Why Is It Not Uncomfortable?
Here is the tell that experienced researchers come back to. Humans in unfamiliar dark outdoor environments have a particular quality of discomfort — they shift, they check behind them, they make small noises to reassure themselves. The entity witnesses consistently describe in Sheepsquatch accounts is not uncomfortable. It is, in the words of one 1994 Boone County witness whose full account I can locate, ‘like it thought it was exactly where it was supposed to be.’ If the figure at the edge of the tree line has that quality — that settled, territorial, utterly at-home stillness — call Gail. Call Gail right now. And do not wait for Derek.
We have done this retreat for six years. Six years. I asked them to put their phones away for one evening. I want that on record. That is on record now.
— Gail Messner, Corporate Retreat Coordinator, Kanawha County
FIELD ALERT
The individual referred to throughout this guide as ‘Derek from Accounting’ has requested we note that his name is Derek Paulson, that he is in Accounts Receivable, not Accounting, and that he has ‘no comment on what he saw or didn’t see.’ WTC respects this. We have logged it. We have also logged that he said ‘or didn’t see’ in a way that suggests he saw something. Gail has been notified.
FAST FACTS: SHEEPSQUATCH
• Primary range: Boone, Kanawha, and Putnam counties, West Virginia
• Physical description: Large bipedal creature, white or off-white fur/wool-like covering, reported sheep-adjacent facial features, substantial mass
• Associated phenomena: Sulfur odor, livestock agitation, general wrongness
• First documented modern sightings: 1990s, though regional folklore is older
• Known cellular plan: None documented
• Documented history of attending mandatory team-building retreats: Inconclusive as of press time
I’m not saying it was a cryptid. I’m not saying it wasn’t. I’m saying I would like everyone to stop asking me about it in the break room.
— Derek Paulson, Accounts Receivable
Look. I’ve driven the 2009 Civic through three states to cover Appalachian cryptid reports, and I have sat with witnesses who were construction workers and retired schoolteachers and a guy named Brent who runs a very successful landscaping operation and had absolutely no reason to make anything up. The Sheepsquatch is not a joke. It is not a mascot and it is not Derek, who I have now spoken to briefly by phone and who seems like a man who saw something that shifted something for him in a way he hasn’t found the vocabulary for yet. I know that feeling. I have a folder with 847 files about that feeling. I told him that. He was quiet for a moment and then said, ‘it didn’t smell like protein bars,’ and then said he had to go, and I sat with that for a while after we hung up.
Gail has asked that this guide be laminated and included in all future retreat welcome packets, alongside the waiver, the trail map, and the printed reminder that cell service is limited past the third cabin. She also asked that we include a note clarifying that WTC News is not responsible for retreat outcomes. We are not. We are reporters. We report. What you do with the information — whether you verify the smell, whether you check the feet, whether you stand very still in a West Virginia tree line at dusk and ask yourself whether the thing looking back at you has ever once worried about synergizing its vulnerability — that part is on you. We’re just here to make sure you have the checklist. Mr. Whiskers, who heard me read this aloud for editing purposes, has no additional notes. He was looking at the wall the whole time, which, honestly, is data.
pennyhart@whatthecryptid.com
Penny Hart · Features Writer & Community Content Specialist — WTC
