Six traumatized witnesses, one unforgettable ride-share experience, and a star rating that simply cannot go low enough

We’ve all been there. It’s 2 a.m., your surge pricing is at 3.4x, and a black sedan with a four-star rating is idling outside your location. Everything seems fine. Then you notice the driver photo is a blurry mass of matted fur, or a single unblinking eye, or — God help you — nothing at all. Just a void where a headshot should be. This week, WTC News received reports from six separate witnesses across three states describing ride-share encounters that went well beyond ‘driver took a weird route.’ After consulting our cryptid transportation database and one very shaken PhD candidate named Tricia, we have compiled the definitive list of cryptids who would make absolutely terrible Uber drivers. Print it out. Laminate it. Keep it in your pocket every single Saturday night.

The List: Ranked From ‘Deeply Inconvenient’ to ‘Please Update Your Emergency Contact’

Coming in at Number 5 is Bigfoot. Look, the guy has brand recognition, we’ll give him that. But Bigfoot’s problems behind the wheel are numerous and well-documented. First: the smell. Witnesses consistently describe the odor as ‘a wet sporting goods store crossed with a composting facility,’ and no amount of pine tree air fresheners dangling from the mirror will fix that. Second: his knuckles drag on the steering wheel, creating what one survivor described as ‘a rhythmic scraping sound for forty-five uninterrupted minutes on I-95.’ Third, and perhaps most critically, Bigfoot refuses to use GPS. He insists he knows the forest. You are not in the forest, Bigfoot. You are trying to get to a Denny’s in Flagstaff.

Community Notice

Number 4 is the Mothman, and before his fan club floods our inbox again, let us be clear: we respect the Mothman. We cover the Mothman extensively. But as an Uber driver, he is a categorical disaster. The wingspan alone violates every seatbelt accommodation guideline in the continental United States. More troubling is his well-established habit of appearing exclusively before catastrophic events, which means your one-star review will be the least of your concerns upon arrival. Three of our six witnesses reported that their Mothman driver said absolutely nothing during the ride, stared at them in the rearview mirror with glowing red eyes for the full duration, and then simply was not there when they turned around to tip. The app still charged them. The surge was 4.1x.

He took the bridge. He always takes the bridge. I didn’t say anything because you don’t say anything. You just watch the water go by and you think about your choices.

— Darren K., witness #3, Point Pleasant, WV

Number 3: The Chupacabra. Efficient? Yes. Punctual? Shockingly, also yes. But the Chupacabra’s core competency — exsanguinating livestock — creates what our legal team describes as ‘a significant liability event’ every time it passes a farm on a rural route. Witnesses report that the car will simply stop. No explanation. The driver exits. There are sounds. Then it returns, buckles up, and resumes navigation as if nothing happened. When one passenger asked if everything was okay, the Chupacabra gave her a thumbs up that she described as ‘way too many joints in that thumb.’ It also consistently selects the most desolate possible roads regardless of traffic conditions, and its music selection — one continuous low, wet growl — does not come with a skip option.

Number 2 is the Loch Ness Monster, and yes, before you ask, she is absolutely attempting to do rideshare. The logistical problems are profound. Nessie operates exclusively in water, which means your pickup is technically a water pickup, which means you are not going to your destination, you are going into a Scottish loch at 2 a.m. and the app has already processed the payment. Her rating sits at a suspiciously specific 3.7 stars, buoyed entirely by novelty reviewers who leave five stars and comments like ‘honestly incredible experience, thought I was going to die, cannot recommend highly enough.’ The other reviews say things like ‘still wet’ and ‘my phone.’ She also has no hands, which raises questions about steering that our transportation correspondent Marcus has been trying to answer for six months and has made no progress on whatsoever.

The ride itself was smooth. Very smooth. She’s a good driver, I’ll say that. But there’s no door handle on the inside of a Loch Ness Monster, and I feel like that should be disclosed upfront.

— Priya S., witness #5, Edinburgh, Scotland (filed remotely, still damp)

And our Number 1 worst Uber driver in the cryptid kingdom is, without question, the Slenderman. He fits in the car — technically. That’s the most charitable thing we can say. The limbs fold in ways that the human brain processes as a personal threat. He does not speak, which ride-share etiquette experts say is fine, but he also does not blink, breathe audibly, or acknowledge traffic signals in a way that inspires confidence. Witnesses report that he takes routes that do not appear on any map, through streets that other witnesses confirm do not exist, arriving at destinations that are correct but somehow feel different from how you left them. His cancellation rate is zero, which sounds like a positive until you understand what it implies. His one documented five-star review reads simply: ‘He was already there when I opened the app.’ We have not been able to reach that reviewer for comment.

The bottom line, readers, is this: the gig economy does not discriminate, and apparently neither does the background check algorithm. WTC News urges all late-night travelers to verify their driver’s face matches the photo, confirm the license plate, and — this is new guidance we are issuing today — establish early in the ride that the driver casts a shadow. It’s a small ask. It takes two seconds. It could save your life, your rating, and your security deposit on whatever dimensional plane you end up in. Stay safe out there. And maybe just take the bus. This has been Penny Hart for WTC News, reminding you: if it’s watching you from the woods, it cannot parallel park.