Bank records reveal bulk orders of grooming supplies and raw meat deliveries to remote wilderness coordinates. Network executives ‘cautiously optimistic’ intern remains human.

I’m standing outside First Mountain Bank in Billings, Montana, where banking officials have confirmed that Greg Holloway’s credit card — the same Greg Holloway who has been missing from our newsroom for six weeks — has been used to purchase what can only be described as concerning quantities of industrial-grade flea and tick shampoo.

The purchases began three weeks ago with a modest order of twelve bottles of PetCorp Maximum Strength Flea Defense. By last Tuesday, the orders had escalated to forty-eight bottles per delivery, along with what bank representative Monica Chen describes as ‘an unusual volume of raw meat products.’ The meat orders include seventeen pounds of venison, twenty-three pounds of elk, and something listed in the records as ‘premium woodland protein blend (seasonal availability).’

Community Notice

Delivery Locations Raise Questions

All deliveries have been sent to GPS coordinates in the Absaroka-Beartooth Wilderness, approximately forty-seven miles from the nearest road access. Local delivery driver Randy Morrison tells me he’s been leaving the packages at a clearing marked by three scratched trees, following handwritten instructions that were ‘definitely Greg’s handwriting, but the letters looked kind of shaky.’ Morrison adds that the clearing always smells like wet dog when he arrives, though he hasn’t seen any dogs.

The flea shampoo orders are very specific. Someone knows exactly what they’re treating, and they’re treating a lot of it.

— Dr. Amelia Cross, WTC Network Cryptid Biologist

Network executives have launched what Lead Anchor Hal Ridgeway calls ‘a careful inquiry into Greg’s current status and species classification.’ The inquiry was prompted not only by the banking activity but by seventeen separate reports of a tall, lanky figure matching Greg’s description being seen in the Montana wilderness, though witnesses note the figure appeared to be ‘significantly more hairy than Greg was when he worked here.’

DCA spokesperson Arthur Pritchard confirms that the agency is ‘monitoring the situation with appropriate caution’ and that citizens should ‘avoid approaching any individuals who smell strongly of flea shampoo and appear to be living in wilderness conditions.’ When asked if this guidance was specific to the Greg Holloway case, Pritchard replied that the guidance was ‘broadly applicable to current regional conditions.’

Network Response Remains Optimistic

Ridgeway maintains that the network ‘continues to hold Greg’s position open’ and that recent developments ‘don’t necessarily indicate anything beyond Greg exploring alternative lifestyle choices.’ However, network security has quietly updated their building access protocols to include new screening procedures for staff members who have been ‘in the wilderness for extended periods.’

Local forest ranger Jessica Martinez tells me her department has received multiple reports of someone or something in the Absaroka-Beartooth region that ‘howls during conference calls.’ The howling is reportedly heard most frequently on Tuesday mornings, which Martinez notes ‘coincides with WTC’s weekly editorial meetings.’

We’re keeping his desk exactly as he left it. Though we did remove the leftover sandwich. It was attracting flies.

— — HAL RIDGEWAY, WTC LEAD ANCHOR

Banking officials confirm that Greg’s account remains in good standing, with automatic payments continuing for his apartment in Harlan’s Creek, his cell phone service, and what appears to be a monthly subscription to something called ‘Wilderness Grooming Monthly.’ The subscription was added to his account two weeks after his disappearance. Greg’s credit score has actually improved during his absence, which Chen describes as ‘unprecedented for someone living in the woods.’

This is Rico Valez reporting from Billings, Montana, where the situation remains fluid and Greg’s location remains unknown. We’ll keep you updated as this story develops, and authorities remain confident Greg will return to normal newsroom operations shortly.