Fifteen witnesses, one glowing-eyed animal, and a county that keeps passing the clipboard.

Donna Ferris of 14 Cresting Ridge Road has filed the same complaint with Harlan County Animal Control three times since the spring equinox, and each time the response has been some variation of ‘that falls outside our standard intake parameters.’ The animal in question has been pacing the Route 9 median strip for six weeks. It has been observed by fifteen separate witnesses. It has eyes that, by every account, produce their own light. Animal Control’s position, as best as Donna can reconstruct it, is that this is a church matter.

I want to be fair to both parties here, because that is what I do. The church — First Methodist of Calver’s Crossing, which appears to have been nominated for this responsibility by no one in particular — has stated through its office administrator that they ‘appreciate the community’s concern’ and that they ‘are not equipped to manage large fauna.’ This is a reasonable position. It is also not an answer. The animal is still on the median strip. It has not moved on out of theological consideration.

Community Notice

I’m not saying it’s a hellhound. I’m saying it has been there every night for six weeks and it does not blink and I would like someone with a truck and a tranquilizer to come look at it before school starts back up.

— Donna Ferris, Harlan County Resident

The term hellhound has now appeared in at least four of the fifteen witness statements on file, which I note not to endorse the classification but because it is the word people keep reaching for independently and that pattern is, in my experience, worth logging. What I can say with more confidence is that Route 9 carries school traffic beginning at 6:40 a.m., that the median strip in question is directly adjacent to a crosswalk, and that the jurisdictional argument currently taking place between a county office and a Protestant congregation is not a substitute for someone going out there with a clipboard and making a determination.

Donna Ferris is not asking for a theological consultation. She is asking for the thing that has been watching traffic from the center of a state road for six consecutive weeks to be assessed by a professional, and she should not have to file a fourth complaint to get that. I don’t know what it is. I know where it is. That ought to be enough to start.