A practical guide for households where the entity is technically cooperating and that is somehow the problem

Let me be precise about the situation we are describing, because imprecision is, at present, your single largest liability. You made a wish. The wish was granted. The wish was granted in a way that fulfilled every word you used while apparently targeting the spirit in which you used them, and the entity responsible is still in your home, and if you have looked at it recently, you will know what expression it is wearing. That expression is not new. Thirteen witnesses across four states have now described it to this network using, with remarkable consistency, the same word: ‘patient.’ This article is for you.

I want to say at the outset that I have some sympathy for households in this position, because the literature on djinn interaction — and I have three texts on the subject rotating through my back seat at any given time, so I am not speaking casually — is almost universally better at explaining how to initiate contact than how to de-escalate it. The assumption, historically, has been that you would want the wishes. That assumption is now causing administrative backlogs at the Bureau of Unintended Manifestations, which has extended the processing window for the MWR-7 through MWR-7c wish retraction forms to fourteen working days and is asking that households stop calling the main line to ask whether ‘technically’ counts.

Community Notice

What To Say, What Not To Say, And What Has Already Made Things Considerably Worse

The phrasing to avoid first, because this is urgent. Do not say ‘I wish things were different.’ This has produced, across our witness pool, a range of outcomes including rearranged furniture, a husband who now genuinely enjoys jazz, and one case in rural New Hampshire where the clocks in the house began running in a different order than previously. Different is doing no work for you as a word. Do not say ‘I just want this to stop’ unless you have completed and submitted form MWR-7 in advance, because ‘this’ has no fixed referent and the entity will select one. Do not, under any circumstances, use the phrase ‘whatever you think is best.’ Two of our thirteen witnesses used this phrase. We are not at liberty to describe their current arrangements in full, but we can confirm that one of them now lives somewhere that was not previously a place.

I said I wished my commute was shorter. My commute is now shorter. I no longer have the job. The job is fine. The job still exists. My commute to a job I do not have is, technically, zero minutes. It is watching me write this.

— Miriam Chalke, Witness, Keene NH

The phrasing that has, so far, produced the most measured results — I will not say ‘good’ results, I will say ‘results with the smallest radius’ — involves extreme specificity, present-tense framing, and the complete elimination of metaphor. Witnesses who have successfully paused, though not closed, the wish cycle report using language along the lines of: ‘I am not making a wish. I am making a statement about my preferences. This statement is not a wish. I would like to note, clearly and without implication, that I am satisfied with current arrangements as they stand at this moment, which I am noting for the record.’ This is not guaranteed. One witness tried this formulation and the entity apparently tilted its head slightly to the left. The witness has since moved into the spare room until further advice is available.

The expression is the thing people aren’t prepared for. It’s not malicious. That would be easier. It’s more like — you know when you’ve watched someone try to parallel park for four minutes and you’re in the passenger seat and you’ve decided not to say anything? Like that. For weeks.

— Dr. Rowan Cassis, Independent Researcher, Providence RI

A note on tone, because I have been asked. Several households have attempted to address the entity directly in a firm but cordial manner — what one witness described as ‘the voice I use with contractors.’ The results were not catastrophic, which is as much as I can honestly say. One household tried apologising. The entity, by all accounts, accepted the apology graciously, and nothing has happened since, and the witness concerned now finds this more unsettling than anything that happened before. The absence of an outcome is not, in these situations, the same as a good outcome. If you are in a household where nothing has happened in some time and the entity is still present and still wearing that expression, I would recommend filing MWR-7 regardless, noting in the comments field that you are submitting as a precaution. The Bureau has a box for this. It is labelled ‘precautionary.’ They have been using it more often lately.

WTC will continue to update this guidance as the Bureau publishes revised protocols and as our witness pool expands. If you are currently in an ironic wish fulfillment situation, we ask that you submit your account through the standard tip line, include the date of the original wish if known, and note in the subject line whether the entity is still present or has simply left the room, because those are, per our researchers, meaningfully different categories. Stay specific. Stay present-tense. Do not say ‘whatever you think is best.’ And if you happen to glance up from reading this and find that the room feels slightly more occupied than it did when you started — submit the MWR-7 now. Do not finish the article first.