Including what tone to use, which hours to attempt the conversation, and what to do when it does not leave but begins, very slightly, to appear to be listening.

The spare room problem is more common than most people are prepared to admit, and the longer you wait to address it, the harder the conversation becomes. I am not speaking metaphorically. I am speaking about a wraith — a persistent, boundary-indifferent, spectrally-present entity that has identified your spare room as, in its estimation, available, and has been making use of it in whatever capacity wraiths make use of rooms, which is to say not in any way that involves furniture or the storage of seasonal clothing, but in a way that is nonetheless unmistakably occupational. You know it is there. It knows you know. You have both been behaving as though this is temporary. It has been four months. It is not temporary.

Three witnesses have contacted WTC this quarter regarding wraith occupancy situations in domestic settings. In each case, the wraith in question had been using a spare room — one an east-facing guest bedroom, one a converted box room, one a space the homeowner described, with some effort, as ‘more of a landing, really.’ In each case, the occupancy had begun gradually: a coldness in the room first, then a reluctance in the household animals to pass the door, then a specific quality of silence that is different from ordinary silence in ways that are difficult to explain to someone who has not experienced it but that any person who has would recognise immediately. In each case, the homeowner had waited. This is understandable. It is also, I can now report, the principal source of the difficulty.

Community Notice

I thought if I just kept the door closed it would sort itself out. That was in October. By February the cold had moved to the hallway and the dog wouldn’t go upstairs at all. I should have said something to it much sooner. I understand that now.

— Margaret F., Homeowner, Windham County

When To Have The Conversation, And In What Condition

The window for this conversation is narrow and specific. Do not attempt it at night — wraiths are not more reasonable in the dark, and the power differential is not in your favour. Do not attempt it immediately after dawn, when residual nocturnal energy remains high and the entity is, in the loosest applicable sense, still settling. The recommended hour is mid-morning, between nine-thirty and eleven, when the light in the room is established and even and your own state is, ideally, calm and rested. Have your tea first. I cannot stress this enough. Have your tea, eat something practical, and do not go into that room carrying anxiety you haven’t processed, because wraiths read unprocessed anxiety the way the rest of us read a door left ajar — as an opening. Wear something with a left pocket. You know what goes in it. If you don’t know what goes in it, you are not yet ready for this conversation and should consult a more foundational resource before continuing.

What To Say, And What Not To

Tone is not optional here. Apologetic won’t work — wraiths do not respond to uncertainty the way humans do, which is to say they do not find it endearing or relatably awkward; they find it load-bearing, and they will rest their continued presence on it. Aggressive is worse, and I will not elaborate on why because the elaboration is unpleasant and the conclusion is obvious. What is required is a tone I can only describe as administrative. Clear, matter-of-fact, not unkind, not warm. You are not its enemy. You are not its friend. You are the person in whose house it has been staying, and you are the person who has decided, having considered the matter, that this arrangement is concluded. Say so. Name the room by its function — ‘the spare room,’ ‘the guest room,’ whatever you call it — because naming it asserts your prior claim. Do not ask it where it will go. That is not your question to manage.

The tone my grandmother used for this sort of thing was the same tone she used when she was returning something to a shop that had been clearly misrepresented. Polite. Entirely immovable. She called it her ‘nevertheless’ voice. I’ve found it useful.

— Dr. Colette Marsh, Independent Researcher in Domestic Phenomenology, Norwich

When It Does Not Leave But Begins, Very Slightly, To Appear To Be Listening

This is the part of the process that most guides omit, presumably because it requires a careful handling of hope that most guides are not equipped to offer. If the wraith does not leave following the initial conversation — and it may not, not immediately — watch for what I will call thinning. The cold in the room becomes slightly less pronounced. The quality of the silence shifts. The household animals may approach the door without distress, though they will stop short of the threshold, which is appropriate and correct and you should not encourage them to go further. These are not signs that you have failed. They are signs that the entity has received your position and is processing it in whatever fashion applies to entities of this type. You are not required to repeat yourself. You are not required to escalate. Hold your administrative tone. Return to the doorway the following morning at the same hour. Say nothing new. Your consistency is the argument.

I will note, for the sake of full disclosure, that I have had occasion to apply a version of this process in my own home. Not the spare room — I do not have a spare room in the traditional sense, and I would rather not discuss the functional designation of certain spaces in a property with the particular history mine has. But the principles translate. What I will tell you is that Ptolemy sat on the filing cabinet through the entire procedure and did not appear troubled, and that I consider his equanimity a useful data point. He has seen most things in that house and reacts to very few of them. When he remains still and watchful rather than distressed, I take that as information. You should know your own animals well enough to do the same. If you do not, that is the first project. The wraith conversation is the second.