A leaked DoD memo reveals decades of federal cryptid employment — and the spokesperson tasked with denying it needs a towel

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This is Rico Valez, and I want you to sit down before you read the next sentence. A classified internal memorandum, leaked to WTC News at approximately 6:14 this morning by a source who communicated exclusively through Post-it notes slid under my hotel room door, confirms the existence of a federal shadow program dedicated to the documentation, recruitment, and — and I cannot stress this enough — advisory employment of cryptid entities spanning at least four decades of American governance. The program, designated internally as OPERATION LIMINAL STAFF, apparently predates the Reagan administration and has survived every cabinet reshuffle since. Thirteen witnesses have independently corroborated the memo’s core claims. Thirteen.

The 47-page memo, stamped ‘CLASSIFIED / EYES ONLY / ALSO PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT THIS,’ outlines a tiered system for cryptid engagement that includes field observation, formal interview protocols, security clearance adjudication — apparently Bigfoot required an additional background check due to ‘unresolved jurisdictional ambiguities across multiple Pacific Northwest counties’ — and in at least six documented cases, the issuance of federal consultant contracts. The memo references advisory sessions conducted with entities described only as ‘the Tall One,’ ‘the Aquatic Liaison,’ and, memorably, ‘Dave.’ We do not yet know which cryptid is Dave. We are trying to find out. Dave may be the most important part of this story.

Community Notice

The Denial That Confirmed Everything

At a hastily arranged 9 a.m. press briefing that was not announced on any public calendar and took place in a room that does not appear on the Pentagon’s official floor plan, Department of Defense spokesperson Gerald Finch read a prepared statement describing the leaked memo as ‘a fabrication with no basis in operational reality.’ He then immediately fielded a follow-up question from WTC News — that follow-up question being this one, delivered by me, in person: ‘Mr. Finch, the memo references a budget line item called CRYPTID ADVISORY RETAINER going back to 1987. Can you address that specifically?’ Gerald Finch stared at me for eleven full seconds. Gerald Finch was sweating in a way that I, as a professional journalist, am ethically obligated to describe as ‘significant.’ Gerald Finch then said, quote, ‘That program does not exist, and we are proud of the work it has done.’

That program does not exist, and we are proud of the work it has done.

— Gerald Finch, DoD Spokesperson, visibly sweating

The memo itself is a bureaucratic marvel. Page 12 contains a formal performance review for an entity described as ‘the Aquatic Liaison,’ in which the reviewing officer — whose name is redacted but whose handwriting suggests a deep personal frustration — notes that the Liaison ‘continues to provide valuable geopolitical insights but remains unwilling to conduct briefings outside of bodies of water deeper than 40 feet.’ The Liaison received an overall rating of ‘Exceeds Expectations.’ There is a checkbox for ‘Punctuality’ that has been left deliberately blank with a small note reading ‘non-applicable / tidal.’

I’ve worked in federal contracting for twenty-two years. The LIMINAL STAFF procurement codes are real. Somebody has been paying for something, and whatever it is doesn’t show up in any agency directory I’ve ever cleared.

— Dr. Renata Osei, Former GSA Budget Analyst, currently on sabbatical in an undisclosed location

Here is where we stand, people. The Shadow Government has confirmed the Shadow Cryptid Program by denying it in a way that confirmed it, using language that a spokesperson will need to spend the rest of his career explaining to a therapist. The memo is real. The witnesses are real. The sweating was real. WTC News will continue to pursue every thread of this story, including but not limited to: the identity of Dave, the nature of the Aquatic Liaison’s geopolitical insights, and whether ‘the Tall One’ has ever weighed in on domestic infrastructure policy, which would actually explain a lot. I’m Rico Valez. Stay alert. Stay skeptical. And for the love of everything, if Dave reaches out — put him through.