Campus security pursuit interrupts important discussion about cryptid nomenclature and basic human decency.

Dr. Jennifer Holloway, Associate Professor of Applied Xenobiology, told WTC — during a seventeen-minute pursuit through the main auditorium, two breakout rooms, and what appeared to be a janitor’s office after security attempted to end her availability — that traditional terminology represents what she called ‘a fundamentally discriminatory worldview.’ We asked whether she had consulted actual cryptids in developing her framework. Dr. Holloway declined to specify which cryptids she consulted during her research. When asked for specific names of consulting cryptids, Dr. Holloway said the information was confidential pending publication.

Dr. Holloway — and she’s explaining this while we’re moving past what appears to be a fire extinguisher she’s using as cover — stated that ‘when we say cryptid, we are essentially saying hidden thing that shouldn’t be here. The terminology is discriminatory against documented residents.’

Community Notice

— Dr. Miranda Holloway, Clearwater University

Proposed Terminology Reforms

Right, so Dr. Holloway is explaining her 47-page position paper — we’re reviewing it now while moving between what she calls conference venues — and she’s recommending we replace ‘cryptid’ with ‘Undocumented Species American.’ She tells WTC this ‘acknowledges both the administrative reality of their situation and their legitimate claim to territorial coexistence.’

We’re receiving word from the International Yowie Council — statement just came through — supporting Dr. Holloway’s proposals, though Council Secretary Margaret Thornfield is noting that the term ‘undocumented’ creates problems for species who have been ‘systematically denied access to proper documentation channels by bureaucratic institutions that refuse to acknowledge our paperwork.’

Local Sasquatch representative Gerald McNamara — reached after a forty-minute hike past two ‘No Trespassing’ signs to his primary residence, a cave system approximately 2.3 miles northeast of Thornton Falls — told WTC he supported the initiative but had immediate concerns about geographic scope. We asked whether he had been consulted during Dr. Holloway’s research phase. McNamara said he had not. We asked whether any Sasquatch had been consulted. McNamara said he was unaware of any consultation. We noted this to Dr. Holloway during our earlier pursuit. ‘My documentation expires at the provincial border,’ McNamara noted. ‘The geographic scope needs clarification for seasonal migrants. My documentation status could be affected.’

Academic Response Mixed

Professor Leonard Finch told WTC that similar reforms were attempted in October 1847 following the Great Goblin Census, when ‘supernatural entity’ was briefly replaced with ‘alternative-reality citizen.’ Finch stated the initiative was abandoned after goblins found the term patronizing and administratively burdensome.

According to Professor Finch, the goblins submitted a formal request to return to their previous designation of ‘supernatural entities.’

— Professor Leonard Finch, Paranormal Historian

The Alien Diplomatic Corps issued a brief communiqué noting that ‘linguistic precision in interspecies communication reduces the likelihood of administrative misunderstandings that can delay processing of routine diplomatic paperwork.’ The Corps added that they would be willing to provide consultation on ‘appropriate designation protocols for off-world entities seeking terrestrial documentation status.’ Dr. Holloway cancelled her remaining interviews at 3:47 PM — exactly six minutes after our arrival at the symposium. Campus security is now requesting we accompany them to what Officer Martinez describes as ‘the loading dock for a calm conversation.’ Officer Martinez explains this would provide a better environment for discussion than previous suggested locations. We have declined all three. The symposium continues and we are not finished documenting the consultation failures. Rico Valez, Clearwater University supply closet, we’ll keep you updated.