Extinct predator navigates modern retail technology with surprising competence, baffling checkout attendants.

HOBART, TASMANIA — Store security has asked us to leave the premises twice in the last thirty minutes, but the rewards card data contradicts their official timeline by approximately three years. The marsupial, later identified as an adult male, purchased three packets of Tim Tams and a bottle of apple juice before encountering the same bagging area difficulties that plague 96.7% of human customers.

Store manager Patricia Henley confirmed the incident occurred at approximately 6:45 PM during peak shopping hours. ‘He seemed to know what he was doing until the machine kept saying “unexpected item in bagging area,” Henley told WTC News. ‘That’s when he started making those clicking sounds they’re known for. I felt bad for him. Those machines are temperamental.’

Scientific Community Maintains Extinction Status

Despite clear video evidence showing the thylacine successfully scanning barcodes and attempting contactless payment, the Tasmanian Museum maintains its position that the species remains extinct. Dr. Margaret Fullerton, the museum’s chief zoologist, issued a statement Wednesday morning acknowledging the footage but emphasising that ‘extinction status is not determined by retail transactions.’

Security footage shows the customer selected Original Tim Tams, bypassing both Caramel and Double Coat varieties.

— Dr. Amelia Cross, WTC Cryptid Biologist

Department of Cryptid Affairs spokesperson Arthur Pritchard said his agency is reviewing the incident but noted that self-checkout usage falls outside their current jurisdiction guidelines. ‘We’re primarily concerned with habitat disputes and noise complaints,’ Pritchard explained. ‘Consumer behaviour is really more of a retail management issue.’

Ongoing Technical Difficulties

Security footage shows the thylacine spending approximately four minutes attempting to resolve the bagging area error before store employee Janet Walsh intervened. Walsh, who has worked the customer service desk for twelve years, said the interaction was ‘routine for a Tuesday evening shift.’

The tiger ultimately completed the transaction using a rewards card registered under the name ‘T. Tiger’ with a post office box address in the Tasmanian wilderness. Woolworths confirmed the account has been active since 2019 and maintains excellent standing with no outstanding fees.

Store management has refused to provide additional footage and threatened to call security if we attempt to interview additional staff. The rewards card data goes back four years. Security is approaching our position. We’re not leaving until we get answers. Rico Valez, WTC, Hobart.