Local health experts express ‘deep concern’ about psychological implications as the formerly cannibalistic creature embraces plant-based extremism following documentary binge.
PINE RIDGE NATIONAL FOREST — What began as a quiet weekend Netflix session has turned into a full-scale dietary revolution for one local wendigo, who announced Tuesday that he would be adopting a strict vegan lifestyle effective immediately. The decision, which came after watching the documentary ‘What the Health’ three times consecutively, has sent shockwaves through the supernatural nutrition community and left area health experts scrambling for guidance.
The creature, who goes by ‘Gary’ in social situations, had maintained a traditional carnivorous diet for over 400 years before his sudden conversion. ‘I just never realized how much suffering I was causing,’ Gary explained through interpretive howling during a press conference held in his cave. ‘Plus, did you know that quinoa has all nine essential amino acids? I had no idea.’
I just never realized how much suffering I was causing. Plus, did you know that quinoa has all nine essential amino acids?
— Gary the Wendigo
Expert Concerns Mount
Dr. Patricia Moonweather, a leading specialist in cryptid psychology at the Institute for Supernatural Wellness, expressed deep concern about the psychological implications of such a dramatic dietary shift. ‘We’re looking at a creature who has literally defined himself through consumption of human flesh for centuries,’ she explained. ‘This level of dietary extremism could trigger an identity crisis of unprecedented proportions.’
WENDIGO NUTRITION FACTS
• Traditional diet: 100% human flesh, occasional elk
• New diet: Quinoa, kale, nutritional yeast, and guilt
• Average daily calorie deficit: 3,000-4,000 calories
• Number of B12 supplements required: Unknown
• Time since last meal involving screaming: 6 days
The situation has been complicated by Gary’s enthusiastic embrace of vegan activism. Local hikers report being cornered by the creature, who now delivers lengthy lectures about factory farming instead of his traditional approach of simply eating them. ‘He trapped me against a tree for two hours explaining the environmental impact of cattle ranching,’ reported hiker Jennifer Walsh. ‘I kept waiting for the flesh-tearing part, but he just handed me a pamphlet about plant-based protein.’
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FIELD ALERT
Hikers are advised that Gary can be safely avoided by mentioning any positive aspects of the paleo diet. He will immediately flee to his cave to research counter-arguments on his iPad.
Top 10 Warning Signs Your Local Wendigo Has Gone Vegan
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1. Terrifying howls now include detailed nutrition facts
Traditional bone-chilling screams have been replaced with enthusiastic declarations about fiber content and micronutrients. Witnesses report feeling more educated than terrified.
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2. Cave decorated with motivational plant-based quotes
Ancient wendigo skulls have been replaced with Pinterest-worthy signs reading ‘Kale Yeah!’ and ‘Powered by Plants.’ The aesthetic shift has confused local wildlife.
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3. Stalking behavior now involves grocery store visits
Instead of hunting humans through the forest, Gary can be spotted lurking in the produce section at 3 AM, comparing organic certification labels with supernatural intensity.
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4. Traditional hunting calls replaced with podcast recommendations
The haunting wendigo mating call has been supplanted by aggressive recommendations for ‘The Rich Roll Podcast’ and detailed reviews of plant-based meal prep services.
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5. Visible B12 deficiency affecting supernatural abilities
Gary’s once-legendary speed has diminished significantly. He now moves at roughly the pace of an enthusiastic but tired golden retriever, frequently stopping for chia seed snacks.
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6. Attempts to convert other forest cryptids
Local sasquatch report being cornered and subjected to Gary’s homemade documentaries about the health benefits of hemp hearts. Several have filed noise complaints.
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7. Social media presence focused entirely on meal prep
Gary’s Instagram (@wendigo_goes_green) features exclusively photos of colorful Buddha bowls and inspirational captions about ‘choosing compassion over cannibalism.’
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8. Mood swings correlate directly with protein intake
Gary experiences dramatic emotional fluctuations based on his daily legume consumption. Low-bean days result in existential howling that can be heard for miles.
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9. Obsessive label reading replaces traditional territorial marking
Instead of marking his territory with claw marks and human remains, Gary now leaves behind discarded packaging from various plant-based products with detailed nutrition analyses.
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10. Nighttime hunting replaced with midnight smoothie preparation
The blood-curdling sounds echoing through the forest are no longer the screams of victims, but rather Gary’s high-powered blender processing frozen acai and spinach at 2 AM.
Nutritionist Dr. Rebecca Thornfield has volunteered to provide Gary with professional guidance, though she admits the case presents unique challenges. ‘We’re essentially dealing with a 400-year-old apex predator trying to survive on hemp seeds and good intentions,’ she explained. ‘The transition period could be… unpleasant for everyone involved.’
Local authorities are monitoring the situation closely, though they report mixed feelings about the development. ‘On one hand, missing persons cases are down 100%,’ noted Sheriff Mike Brennan. ‘On the other hand, we’ve had seventeen noise complaints about his 4 AM spirulina smoothie preparation. It’s a trade-off.’
We’re essentially dealing with a 400-year-old apex predator trying to survive on hemp seeds and good intentions.
— Dr. Rebecca Thornfield, Nutritionist
As Gary continues his plant-based journey, experts recommend that area residents remain patient during his adjustment period. While the creature’s new dietary choices have eliminated the immediate threat of consumption, his evangelical approach to veganism may prove equally challenging to navigate. The Pine Ridge community is adapting, though many admit they miss the simpler days when their biggest concern was merely avoiding being eaten alive.
askevelyn@whatthecryptid.com Evelyn Crowe · Paranormal Advice Columnist & Community Correspondence Host — WTCNN
