Dear Evelyn,

I need your help. I’ve been noticing some VERY suspicious behaviour from the woman next door and I don’t know who else to turn to.

It started three weeks ago when she waved at me from her driveway and smiled with TOO MANY TEETH. Not, like, an extra set or anything — I want to be clear about that — just more teeth than felt comfortable for a Tuesday morning. Since then I’ve noticed she:

• Always puts her bins out on the WRONG night, yet they still get collected
• Has never once failed to find a park at Woolies, not even on a Saturday
• Owns wind chimes that play a melody I can’t identify but can’t stop humming
• Her dog doesn’t bark at the possum that lives in my roof. Not ONCE.

Evelyn, that possum is ENORMOUS and deeply unsettling. Every other dog on the street loses its mind. Her labradoodle just stares at it like they have an arrangement.

I Googled “skinwalker signs” and I’ll be honest, it wasn’t entirely reassuring. But I also Googled “am I being paranoid” and that wasn’t reassuring either.

My husband says she’s just friendly and I need to stop reading your column before bed. But my husband also didn’t notice the wind chimes until I pointed them out, and I think that means he might already be compromised.

Please advise. Should I salt the fence line? Leave an offering? Move? I have a very good mortgage rate and I’d rather not.

Fearfully yours,
Deborah M.
Somewhere in suburban Australia

P.S. Her herb garden is THRIVING and it hasn’t rained in six weeks. I’m just saying.

Dear Deborah,

Oh my, what a delightfully familiar situation. Your neighbour sounds perfectly manageable, though I do appreciate your attention to detail regarding the wind chimes — that’s always telling.

The excessive dental display is usually territorial marking rather than malicious intent, particularly when paired with the uncanny parking abilities and cooperative waste collection. Your neighbour has likely established what we call “neighbourhood arrangements” — quite common in suburban settings, really. The thriving herb garden during drought conditions simply confirms she’s maintained proper relationships with local soil spirits.

I wouldn’t recommend salting the fence line just yet, dear. That could be interpreted as hostile, and you really don’t want to escalate things unnecessarily. Instead, try leaving a small potted mint plant near your shared boundary — it signals respectful awareness without commitment. The wind chimes will likely shift to a more familiar melody within a week, and you should find yourself humming something from the radio instead.

As for your husband, that’s perfectly normal. Most humans develop a selective awareness filter in these situations — it’s protective, not compromised. The possum arrangement, however, is actually rather enviable. I’d suggest acknowledging the understanding with a small nod if you witness any future exchanges. Your roof guest will appreciate the courtesy.

Do keep me posted on how the mint plant works, and remember — good mortgage rates are worth preserving when possible.

Warmly,

Evelyn

“Most humans develop a selective awareness filter in these situations — it’s protective, not compromised.”